The Third Star

Before you will start to read…

I wrote this story almost a year ago, being under impression of the movie Third Star.  Now I decided to publish it here. I hope that despite all my grammatical mistakes you will understand that I have written. It is very difficult to translate something from Russian into English. Well, English is royal language with the special singularities, and Russian is beautiful language, but also extremely difficult not only for all people in this world, but also for us, Russian people. 🙂

So, I hope, you’ll enjoy!

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The Third Star.

I’m leaving out early,
‘cause all will without me.
Strange thing is this
I was most afraid of.
Knows… it’s relief. Such a bloody relief.

James Griffith

 

What would you say when you find out that I am sick? And medicines and doctors doesn’t help because my illness is lethal? Would you let me die of such death, which I chose myself? Can you let me leave the world with honor and without suffering?

He was standing on the seashore, leaning on a long wooden walking stick, which he hated, and occasionally screw up the face from pain. His shrill tired look has been directed on gloomy dark waves, which were almost black in the soft light of the sun, which tried to make the way through the swaddling of deep blue gloomy clouds. Easy northern breeze fanned his beautiful narrow and still a young face and at the same time as if wind looked into unusual green eyes which were full of eternal pain and torment now.

Dark soft slightly curly hair framing beautiful intelligent forehead and were fluttering in the wind with nice twinkling because of occasionally falling on hairs of rare sunbeams. Twenty-nine years. He was only twenty-nine-year boy. His disease makes him several old, but he was still as beautiful as ever. Only fatigue and pain read in every movement of his sick body. Fatigue and pain…

How long he had? How long he will live?? Month or a month and a half, as the doctor said? And maybe, just a few days, in fact?..

Morphine.

Morphine almost doesn’t help, it just makes more feebly the unbearable pain, but really pain does not disappear. He lives with it for two years. Every day is a torment. Every hour, every minute, even in his sleep pain lets to him know about itself by infernal waves of pain which diffuse throughout the body. And there is no end. Not any more…

He watched the sea waves, which were falling on seashore with rage, and thinking, about his loved ones. He thought about his sister, Chloe, who every night during these two years was hiding her tears into a pillow and in the morning trying to hide red eyes that swelled from the tears. He thought about father and mother, and their pain which pursue his heart every time when the look some of them stayed on him. He thought and about friends. Haha… Friends… At least, they were the ones who tried not to reminisce about his disease, even by a look. Bill, his best friend, who has brought a tree that he was growing all these two years and which he promised to plant in his honor. Friend Dave, who was the wisest of all of them, and Miles. Yes… Miles… His father also died from cancer, and they, Miles and He, wanted to become writers. But… Failed.

His family was what he was trying to live for the sake of. He knew that he could commit suicide on that day when he learned that he is ill by a cancer, if his family hasn’t stopped him… They tried to save him. They were trying to fight. Even when hope almost fell, they were praying to God. But it was too late… Even God was unable to help him. He has lifted his beautiful head upwards to heaven and has prayed, mentally, not speaking anything aloud.

“My God… My God! Give them all a long and wonderful life! I don’t ask you about anything more! Don’t torment them! Please! Let me go away… I…”

What “I…”? What did he want to say next? That he is ready? He is ready to retire? That he is calm and he already isn’t afraid of death, because he submit to it? Oh, no. He was wrong. He is not ready. Just not now…

“More time! Please! At least few months!.. I need in it!”

But in reply to his thoughts only cold waves were making a noise in deep silence prevailed everywhere. God did not hear him. Or… Just… He didn’t send him a signs?..

“James! Are you here?” Someone called him from afar. He turned around the entire body, gently moving a heavy wooden walking stick at another place in the sand.

Billy went down from a low slope which was covered with stiff yellow-green grass. He was looking for his best friend. Billy was high, young and for some time not shaved, but his face is not lost of sincerely a happy face from that time when he was more young. But it was a long time ago. Neither Billy or James already hadn’t fun for a long time. although Billy was trying to do something and that James was not thought of his illness. But it hadn’t success. Both of them do not like it and their instincts, some internal sense of tact helped them not say about thing which, was killing James. Initially Billy can to divert his friend from scary thoughts, but last week James visited his doctor. He was in Office for only a few minutes, but when he came out from there, Billy thought that James became even more frail and old. If Bill knew that the doctor said to his best friend… But he couldn’t know it.

James had just one month of life… In confinement to bed, and even more hard living conditions – one and a half month.

Although, it was the end, in any case. Month of life with pain which increasing every day that so was already unbearable…

James looked at his friend and thought about it. Probably he was ready for death… He wanted it. He wanted to make life easier for his loved ones, don’t torment them. And it was the last days that he was going to spend with family and friends. He persuaded friends to make a trip for many miles away on the shore of the beach where he, James, could freely and easily run, inhale aroma of sea, laugh at dumb jokes best friends and not feel pain, only happiness.

How he wanted to be there! Get away from it all, to escape mercy and not to see looks of the surrounding people. From this he felt himself only worse…

“James? What are you doing here? There came Miles… Everybody came together. We are waiting for you ”said Bill who already came to James.”Walk!”

Billy looked at his best friend and noticed pain flashed in friend’s eyes, which he diligently tried to hide from him.

Sigh. Again the pain swept in all his body. Suddenly he was wrinkled and has seized on a chest. He was just filled up with an unbearable pain, As if all flesh was filling with the fused iron and at the same second something stuck in him ten thousand needles heated on a fire. Bill has picked up him and has gently laid friend down on sand.

“What is happening? When you took a medicine at the last time?” Bill quickly muttered with horror in eyes.

“Only hour or an hour and a half ago,” James’s interrupted silent fine voice has horrified his friend even more. Bill stirred and began to rummage in James’s pockets, in search of medicines.

“Oh! Come on! You should always take them with you! Where are they?” He muttered, hastily searching the pockets of a choking patient. His hands were shaking from the tension.

“In the upper … po… poc…pocket…” hardly audible James has squeezed out from himself. In his eyes all has grown dull and only through a couple of minutes when eyesight has become clearer, he realized that Bill pours in morphine in his throat. James furiously began to drink the bottle with morphine as if it was vivifying water.

“Buddy, what the hell?! You will make me a madman!”

James looked at the familiar nicest person and tried to smile, but his smile was a fake: forced and sick. Bill has closed eyes, shook his head and sat down near to his friend on cold sand.

“You know, Bill, that medicines don’t help me already… I only… I just need leave…”

“Shut Up! For God’s sake, shut up!” Billy interrupted fiercely his friend and turning abruptly to the other, violently grabbed him by the shoulders, but at the same time he was trying not to cause him pain. “Do you realize what we feel, when you suffer? How it’s hard to us to see your pain, day after day, hour after hour?”

Billy looked at friend by crazy eyes, but a minute later calmed down and removed his hands.

“I know …” James turned away from buddy, and his look return to the sea again.
They were silent some minutes, look at the birds hovering in the sky above the sea. Free and beautiful creatures.

“What do you think? What feel seagulls, dying in the abyss of the sea because of human stupidity? They suffer?” James asked quietly. Billy hardly noticeably has shuddered from surprise.

“I do not know” – Bill shrugged his shoulders, mindlessly watching the waves. “Perhaps, they see only the darkness around them, and then water conquers their little sweet hearts, and they die. Simply and without pain.”

“So, they do not suffer? Just falling, as we, people, falling sometimes?”

“Maybe…“ Billy nodded thoughtfully, and suddenly looked with suspicion at James. “Why do you ask?”

“Just… “ James hesitated. “Although not. It does not matter…”

He sighed, feeling the pain subsided a bit, but it was not for a long time. It’ll be back and he knew, it will return very soon. Medicines were the only means which extended his life, well, or just a few relieved pain. But he knew that continuation will only worse. And so he did not want to live. Because of the pain and medicines for the pain, and then the medication side effects of other drugs… It’s his life. It is coming to an end, although it shouldn’t do that.

He never will be thirty-year…

The disease will be even more strongly tighten him in its dark empty abyss, until the time comes for the last decisive breakthrough in the hugs of death, and he knew it. He knew that soon will not be able to think about anything except the constant pain, which slowly and painfully will kill him second after second.

Is not worth living for this.

He raised his walking stick up, and leaning on it, tried to get up. Bill immediately jumped up and helped him up. “My God! How he weakened and lost over these couple of days! Even thinner than usual! ” grim phrase flashed in Billy’s head.

Together they climbed the hill, Bill tried to help to James, support him as long as they will go up, but James refused. He was like a child who stubbornly wanted to have time to do something else independently, personally. He wanted to have time to spend the last days of his life without feeling helpless, that he hated these two years. He just wants to have something or someone in whom he could hold all his pain and all his love, which never left his a good heart.

He was brave, trying not to think about upcoming events. Parents should not see death of their children. This is wrong. So James wanted to run away from here. Escape to a lonely sea-shore, covered with delicate pale-gold sand with spots and hidden between two huge evergreen hills. Here he could feel free. Here he can fulfill what he had planned.

Where it all began, there it all will come to an end…

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 Continuing to appear very soon!

It’s written specially for
Benedict Cumberbatch.

My Russian readers can read Russian version 🙂